It’s not all about epic farts (well, it’s mostly about epic farts), it’s also about trains, Magna-Tiles, PB&Js, time outs, nap time, artwork, and importantly, shandy time by the pool. But we’ll get to the pool later.

Here’s something you won’t get from every other mom blog: a completely honest account of a day as a stay-at-home mom. Caveats:

• I’m a temporary SAH mom. I’m sure full time pros do things a little differently/better.
• We didn’t do any special outings today, so this doesn’t represent a “typical day” of our summer so far. But this is much more realistic, I’m realizing, as I’ve exhausted myself the last three weeks doing special activities every day.
• I may have retouched some cellulite out of one photo, and if I knew how to use Photoshop, I would’ve done more.

On this awesome morning (Monday), both kids slept in until 8. If you want the secret to having your kids sleep in until 8, it’s this: sun + chlorine + cousins + Grammy + mom away on girls’ weekend. Strong work, Matty.

When they wake up, Hazy usually dresses herself and hangs out for a few before coming into our bedroom. George, on the other hand, yells, “I’m awake! Mama! Dada! I waked up!” until we come get him. I kind of like that he doesn’t think he can leave his room. Anyway, it was probably 8:30 by the time we went downstairs.

8:30 – 9:30: Breakfast, tooth brushing, toy pit time

Once in a blue moon, it’s quiet in the toy pit and no one is silent crying/drawing on the walls/unconscious from a train car to the head.

They played with trains and Magna-Tiles, and no one got any minutes off. Then, it was time to do some momming.

9:30 – 11:30: Toy Pit Family Time

I love playing with my kids, but I hate playing Teacher. Teacher means sitting on the rug and getting reprimanded non-stop for talking out of turn, i.e., at any time. Two hours of playing teacher is like being waterboarded with the grossest Gatorade, lemon-lime.

Then George and I applied the tattoos Ms. Hazel gave us.

This was a particularly good game of Teacher, but even a good game is not great, so I managed to convince them to spend some time reading.

If we’re at home, George delays getting out of his jammies for as long as humanly possible. In this case, a little before noon.

11:45 – 12:30 The outing! (It took us 15 minutes or so to round up, get George dressed, and put on shoes.)

After securing pants on this one, we went to Boomerang’s, a local thrift store that benefits the AIDS Action Committee, to shop for Uncle Marco’s birthday. This was literally the only time we left our house/yard all day.

12:30 – 1:30 Lunch Break

Lunch, the epic fart incident, putting G down for his nap.

1:30 – 3:30 George’ nap; Hazy & my special time

George’s nap is really Hazy and my time to do big kid stuff together. She’s really into her acrylics and canvas these days, so after a pedi for Hazy, a few episodes of My Little Pony (read: nap time for me), she did some painting.

3:30 – 5:15 Yard Time

Post nap, we went to our second favorite pool, our own. Usually pool time is my Shandy time, and I just sit back and watch the kids splash around. This time, I decided to leave my phone and shandy inside and be a part of the action. I was encouraged by the fact that it was about 95º out.

After the ensuing mud pit we created on the lawn when we emptied the pool, it was bath time.

5:15-5:45 Bath Time

 5:45 – 6:30 Cooking/Toy Pit

I treat the toy pit like the Coliseum when I’m cooking. The gladiators have to work it out on their own. Two kids enter, okay fine, two kids leave. But it’s either to go to their rooms for time out or to come set the table and wash their hands.

We’ve been occasionally doing Blue Apron, which I like, but it’s a constant blow to the ego, like when it says it takes 25-35 minutes to prepare and it takes me 50.  So on this occasion, we had a late dinner. Matty got home around 6:00 and played with the kids, who greeted him like a king. I also had to go to a quick doctor’s appointment.

6:30 – 7:00: Dinner

Yep, we eat fast. Sorry if we don’t “have conversations” and “chew our food” like some of you fancy pants. Usually, we give the kids whatever we’re having, but I wimped out because the Blue Apron was North African Beef Tagine, and made them mac & cheese. I’m ashamed of myself. But I don’t feel that bad, because they totally would not have eaten North African Beef Tagine.

7:00 – seeming infinity: Bedtime ritual (Full confession, I snuck out from 7:05-7:25 to get my bangs trimmed.)

Flossing (ugggghhh), brushing (ugh), thank god they’re already in their pajamas from bath time, reading, and 10 minutes one-on-one time for each of them (good job, guys!). Since Matty and I were both home, we split it up so that Hazy had 10 minutes with Matty and I had 10 minutes with George (we alternate). As dinner was so late (curse you, Blue Apron! Just kidding, I can’t stay mad at you after the Ponzu Steak), bedtime went a little late too. But phew, we were done by 8:00, because…

8:00 – 10:00: Unwinding

Did I say unwinding? I meant speed-washing the dishes so I could watch The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All and force Matty to do the same. (Although I didn’t have to twist him arm that hard.)

8:20 – Me, grasping distended belly: “I ate too much tagine!”

9:30 – Matty, looking at me eating chocolate-covered yogurt pop: “Weren’t you just saying you had a stomach ache from eating too much?”

Me: Continues to eat popsicle.

Today was much the same, except instead of Boomerang’s, we went to the post office, where George ran so far off that he was already at the automatic doors, practically outside, before some woman in line said, “Ma’am, he’s all the way over there”, shaming me at the post office. Also, Hazy turned into a teenager in front of my very eyes.

And today, George went into the pool solo while Hazy and I made mustache straws. As you do.

Back to our back to back grandma days tomorrow and Thursday. Hooray for grandmothers and Opa! If you have any good, simple arts & crafts projects, please leave a comment. Thanks!