Terror on the Hudson

In which, we terrorize our friends, the Ostrom-Cortezes, once again.

Our friend, Jessi Klein, who is pretty much/totally my idol, wrote a book, which is the literary equivalent of a warm buttered lobster roll (i.e. perfection). You can order it here. Being a big time fancy pants book author, she had a book release party in New York. Apparently, Monday night is the new Saturday night, because that’s when the party was. So our friends were nice enough to invite us to their lovely home on the Hudson to spend the weekend pre-book party.

Even though they see each other infrequently, our kids have known each other since Hazy and the twins, Jesse and Estela, were about a year old, and they always fall right into rhythm in a matter of minutes.

They even coordinate their body language.

This meant they acted like a band of besties, whether at the amusement park, getting their faces painted, dominating a water slide, or questionably winning the Great Water Balloon War of 2016, which I may or may not have incited. (I totally incited it.)

Kathy, you are a brave woman.
Our two little daredevils
Jesse got  face painted with invisible ink. (Sorry, Jesse.)
Haze, you’re doing it wrong.
Miraculously, no injuries occurred.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. (George, over here!)

We went to a street fair, where several exciting things happened.

We talked about the face paint. Please admire these photos, as we had to take out a second mortgage to pay for this face paint.

Hazy and George showed some real promise as Yogibo pillow models, as long as the new campaign is titled Ennui.

George prepared to start supporting himself by winning Wipeout. (You can start by paying us back for that face paint, G.)

Crouching Tiger, Reality Show Winner

The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing (as much as you can with five kids) and taking turns stand up paddling and kayaking. Just kidding, that was like 20 minutes. The rest of the weekend was trying to handle food for five kids and listening to them make up rhymes. (Up high! Down low! Hanging with the bros!)

It’s not a competition, so I won’t mention how many times we fell. (Him, 3, me, 0)

On Monday, the Ostrom kids had camp and Matty had work, so the kids and I hung out at Kathy’s awesome pool club, where we had some baby pool time trials and the kids forced me to go down the water slide that’s built for butts 2/3 the size of mine.

We even had our own personal ginger lifeguard!
I like big butts and I cannot slide. (Hazy took this picture!)
George took this picture, as well as about 14 of his feet and 10 of the lifeguards. He even managed to capture the moment Hazy tried to drown me. I’m the one fully submerged trying to “catch” her.

Monday night, Kathy hired us a small army of babysitters and we hit the town. And by the town, I mean the most gorgeous Fifth Ave apartment with panoramic city views. It was really cool to see Jessi squirm as Tina Brown (the former New Yorker editor) and her agent praised her mad skills.

This is the lady of the hour (the one who looks like Natalie Portman), along with our fabulous friend, Jessica, who joined me in some shenanigans with Ric Ocasek. More on that later.
This was my faux selfie/stealth Ric Ocasek pic which Matt said was not at all discrete, but what does he know?

Later, we actually met Ric, and he was lovely and let me do an entire sunset photo shoot with him. His wife, supermodel Paulina, was also lovely, and looks like she hasn’t aged since the You Might Think I’m Crazy video, which, by the way, was my favorite video growing up, a fact I may have mentioned to Ric. We also met Gina Gershon and Vanessa Bayer (from SNL), who was really sweet and fun.

Part 1 in a series I’ll be selling to the tabloids. (Kidding, I’d never do that to you, Ric.)

Thank you, Matt and Kathy, for treating us simultaneously like royalty and family. Can’t wait for our (real) vacation together.


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