That sounds almost like an Always Sunny episode title, in which case, I’m totally sweet Dee.

Anyway, Saturday night we went to a birthday barbecue at our friend and neighbor Nadja’s house. After some basketball (the kids), some rosé (me), and some mild flirting with my new gay friends (me again), we called it a night. Right before we left, Hazy got a few bug bites over her left eyebrow. She was complaining about them being itchy, but we sent her to bed with a kiss and some sympathy. We’re definitely firm adherents to the You’ll Be Fine school of parenting, but seriously, it was a couple of bug bites.

Well, Sunday morning, Hazy’s left forehead was swollen to the size of an egg. Her left eye was slightly squintier than her right. Our “you’re fine”s did not sound as convincing. The swelling continued, so we brought her to urgent care at her pediatrician’s. I hate urgent care; it’s so arbitrary. “How about we charge you more and make you see your least favorite pediatrician because it’s Sunday?” Dr. Patronizing Bedside Manner (it’s a big name tag) made me feel foolish for bringing Hazy in, which is par for the course. She suggested Benadryl.

We went home and gave Hazy the recommended dosage. (Well, first Hazy and I met Matty and George at an outdoor birthday party where Hazy and Matty ended up sitting on an ant hill, and Hazy vowed never to go outdoors again.) By bedtime, her face was so swollen, she was literally unrecognizable. We promised her we’d take her to her real doctor, our beloved Dr. Marshall, in the morning.

By Monday morning, Hazy looked like a mix of Sloth from the Goonies and strangely enough, Julia Stiles (whom I actually think is quite pretty, and I don’t mean this as a diss). Her left eye was completely swollen shut and her right eye was also affected. The bite marks were red and she had pink circles around each eye. I’d share a picture, but she’s justifiably embarrassed by them. We had just seen Dr. Marshall a few weeks ago for Hazy’s annual visit, and he was legitimately shocked by her appearance. He prescribed some super powered hydrocortisone cream and suggested we keep up with the Benadryl. Doctor’s orders also included, “taking it easy, watching some TV,” which is basically Hazy’s (and my) dream.

Needless to say, we canceled our beach plans, even though it was one of the nicest days of the summer. We spent the rest of the morning watching The Force Awakens. [Side note: I really like what JJ Abrams did with the franchise and I love JJ Abrams in general. Minor issue though: what’s up with his obsession with Greg Grunberg? I couldn’t remember his name and literally googled, “people JJ Abrams always puts in movies” and Greg Grunberg’s wikipedia page is the third hit.]

After lunch, I convinced the kids to leave the house and go to the library. Actually, it didn’t take much convincing, because the turds are obsessed with the summer reading program that gives them prizes in exchange for reading. I remember my local library doing something similar, only we didn’t get cool stuff like a book light or a library card holder. We got to color in another copy of the same coloring page for every book we read and the librarian would hang it on the wall of the library. By the end of the summer, I’d have like 50 of the same pony coloring pages hanging in the library. Don’t worry, I tried to mix it up with my color choices.

The children’s section of the library has computers that you can only access with a children’s library card, which I think is pretty cool. George loves the library computer and mainly plays games on pbs.org. I have to help him type in his password and find the site, because he can only read a few words. Yet somehow, after I turned my back on him for a minute, he figured out HOW TO GOOGLE HIMSELF. What?!

After we got back, I couldn’t bear to miss any more of the beautiful weather, so I convinced the kids to go in our baby pool. Only thing is, the pool was all gross and dirty from our last pool party, where the kids had brought dirt into the pool and then we’d half-drained it and abandoned it in our yard like we’re Sanford & Son. I really wish there was a photo of me attempting to brush off the dirt with a pot scrubbing brush while the kids took turns using the hose with the power spray attachment to “assist” me. It was basically me getting sprayed in the face with dirt water for about 15 minutes.

“Irregahhhdless”, we succeeded in getting the pool set up and chilled for a good hour, forgetting about our troubles (dirt face, swollen face, listening affliction respectively).

So Monday was a rebuilding day. Don’t worry, the team will be back to full strength soon. For example, this morning, George woke up yelling, “Today’s the day Georgie gets dressed!” Today’s the day, guys.